The Tuesday Five: how a five-a-side team became a support group for men who own air fryers

Marco’s number

34%of all 41,208 messages are Ravi’s

Hello, Tuesday Five. I have read forty-one thousand of your messages. Six years of documented history. I have read football groups, crypto groups and parents’ committees, and none of them prepared me for a chat whose single recurring theme is trying to book a pitch for Tuesday and failing.

This group started as a five-a-side team. It is now a logistics committee that occasionally plays football, a review site for air fryers, and the only place Ben has ever been seen alive, roughly once a month, usually to say “in” and then not be in.

Buckle up. Nobody leaves without a nickname.

Card 1 of 7
The anatomy of the group: what is this thing, actually?
On paper this is a sports team. In practice, 61% of all messages are about whether the match is happening, 22% are food photos, and the remaining 17% is Mia explaining why somebody is wrong. Football itself appears in 4% of messages, mostly as complaints about the pitch.
41,208
Messages read
38
Matches actually played
212
Matches planned
7
Air fryers reviewed
The pattern is identical every week. Ravi posts a poll on Sunday. Tom says yes within thirty seconds. Noa says yes with a condition. Mia asks who else is coming before committing, which is the question that kills every plan on earth. Ben reads it on Wednesday.
Card 2 of 7
The cast: who you are and why you behave like this
Five people, five very different relationships with the word “yes”.
Card 3 of 7 · Ravi
Ravi, the organiser and part-time hostage negotiator
14,011 messages (34% of the chat)
Ravi is responsible for 34% of the chat and 100% of the polls. He has posted the same “who is in for Tuesday?” message, with minor variations, 212 times. He has been told the answer 38 times. That is a reply rate a cold-email agency would be ashamed of, and he keeps going, which is either leadership or a cry for help.
Pitch booked for 8. Need 2 more.
Guys.
Guys it’s Monday.
Ok cancelled, Ben you owe me £12
Ravi
The thing nobody says out loud: without Ravi this group dies in a fortnight. He knows it. You know it. Ben, if he ever opens the chat, will know it too.

Still in this report:

Ben · The ghost
Peak moments: a chronicle of collective madness
The Tuesday Five awards, 2026 edition
The verdict: what is really holding this together

Unlock all 7 cards

One-time payment per report. No subscription.

The Tuesday Five: how a five-a-side team became a support group for men who own air fryers

Marco’s number

34%of all 41,208 messages are Ravi’s

Buckle up. Nobody leaves without a nickname.

Card 1 of 7
The anatomy of the group: what is this thing, actually?
On paper this is a sports team. In practice, 61% of all messages are about whether the match is happening, 22% are food photos, and the remaining 17% is Mia explaining why somebody is wrong. Football itself appears in 4% of messages, mostly as complaints about the pitch.
41,208
Messages read
38
Matches actually played
212
Matches planned
7
Air fryers reviewed
The pattern is identical every week. Ravi posts a poll on Sunday. Tom says yes within thirty seconds. Noa says yes with a condition. Mia asks who else is coming before committing, which is the question that kills every plan on earth. Ben reads it on Wednesday.
Card 2 of 7
The cast: who you are and why you behave like this
Five people, five very different relationships with the word “yes”.
Card 3 of 7 · Ravi
Ravi, the organiser and part-time hostage negotiator
14,011 messages (34% of the chat)
Ravi is responsible for 34% of the chat and 100% of the polls. He has posted the same “who is in for Tuesday?” message, with minor variations, 212 times. He has been told the answer 38 times. That is a reply rate a cold-email agency would be ashamed of, and he keeps going, which is either leadership or a cry for help.
Pitch booked for 8. Need 2 more.
Guys.
Guys it’s Monday.
Ok cancelled, Ben you owe me £12
Ravi
The thing nobody says out loud: without Ravi this group dies in a fortnight. He knows it. You know it. Ben, if he ever opens the chat, will know it too.

Still in this report:

Ben · The ghost
Peak moments: a chronicle of collective madness
The Tuesday Five awards, 2026 edition
The verdict: what is really holding this together

Unlock all 7 cards

One-time payment per report. No subscription.

The Tuesday Five: how a five-a-side team became a support group for men who own air fryers

The anatomy of the group: what is this thing, actually?

The cast: who you are and why you behave like this

Ravi, the organiser and part-time hostage negotiator

The Tuesday Five: how a five-a-side team became a support group for men who own air fryers

The anatomy of the group: what is this thing, actually?

The cast: who you are and why you behave like this

Ravi, the organiser and part-time hostage negotiator